What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:14
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was 9 years of age.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She found it foreign!.
I write beautiful poetry .
How has your life changed since starting college?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who are the archers in Genesis 49:23?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was very sick at this time too.
But, we were locked up after school.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I have no regrets .
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Can you list every album you have ever listened to?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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She was in good health!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot live in the past .
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As i do to all so called friends.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So, i spoilt her more .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I couldn’t, believe it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Put me off passion for life!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ive learnt so much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He resisted the act ,that day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My life is so biszare .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is soul school!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
All the time i was locked up.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were not on the streets..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i lived it daily.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
When she asked me how she looked .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was scared of men, in general
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im still living with it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Comes on , in middle age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She loved him until the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Would this be the day?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it wasn’t much.